On a typical Wednesday, Andover students flock to Cochran Chapel for All-School Meeting. Amongst the pews, students hide their phones between their thighs while playing Trivia Crack, and others sit eagerly with their coats and backpacks on, ready to dart out of the Chapel as soon as possible.

So, even though there appeared to be a tremendous amount of joy in the air, administrators reported finding 95 Theses listing the abuses of Andover stapled to the Chapel Door.

The Theses were written by an anonymous student, but Andover hired a private investigator the infamous Martin Sleuther, to look into the incident.

This document included the anonymous student’s opinions on classes and parietal rules at Andover. Since some of these Theses are extremely explicit and in most cases very accurate, it is not possible to attach them all here.

Here are some of the cleaner Theses:

1. I hate it when a teacher says, “Do not pack up yet,” when there are literally nine seconds of class left.

45. When you spend all night doing an assignment that the teacher does not collect.

51. The new parietal rules do not even make sense. The lights should at least be dimmed. The administration needs to appreciate the importance of mood lighting.

89. I always raise my hand in class for the obvious question, so I will not get called on later. So when I get called on when my hand is not raised, there are serious issues.

Although most students fled at the mere mention of the word “thesis,” administers thought it necessary to remove the Theses from the door of the Chapel so that no one would see them. Oh wait… oops.