The recent buzz on campus regarding the outbreak of Bubonic plague has caused a heightening concern about Andover’s health.

“We do not know how the Bubonic plague entered our environment atop Andover hill,” said Ghengis K., Dean of Rat Control on campus. Students who are not quarantined or choking on their own bile predict the Bubonic Plague arrived on campus along with Exeter’s Varsity Snowball team. “I saw fleas jumping off their bodies and onto our players,” said an anonymous student.

The plague is characterized by a constant dripping of liquids from the nasal passages, projectile saliva and an overwhelming lethargy that prevents any sort of learning. The few survivors protest the faculty’s lack of awareness when considering the horrible impact of this situation.

Over 45 percent of Andover’s population is already infected, and 109.5 deaths have been reported. “We can only take the most severe of cases in Isham – anyone else must rely on their roommates for care,” said Witch Doctor, Mrs. Wicked of the West.

The most beneficial curing techniques include the application of leeches until all blood has been sucked out, rubbing the buboes with a live chicken and bathing in human urine. Though these advanced methods of healing are life-saving, many students do not have enough money on their BlueCards to afford a visit to the Witch Doctor.

So what should you do? Stop buying Susie’s cookies and cookie-dough-balls, because you are going to need that money. You think you are immune to the Black Plague? Wait until you are begging for the chicken rubbing treatment to save your life.